A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Black Hole

Day 41 of the Lockdown The evening that my wife stormed out to her mother’s with a suitcase of children’s clothes – the day I realised they had smuggled my children out from under my very nose – I went for a walk for my hour’s permitted exercise. I bumped into a former support workerContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Black Hole”

A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Day I Lost my Children

Our support worker reiterated to Children’s Services that my wife wasn’t capable of looking after the children on her own due to multiple acts of negligence and abuse. I spoke to the social worker Sandi on the phone and told her all of my wife’s history – leaving the children unattended in the bathtub, sendingContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Day I Lost my Children”

A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: A Glimpse Behind the Mask

I’d like to say that telling others you’re being abused, and somehow finding the strength to leave, is the end of the fight. I’d like to say that the moment you stand up and declare you’re not going to be a victim anymore, things get easier. But this isn’t a fairy tale. If I thoughtContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: A Glimpse Behind the Mask”

A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: Leaving my Abuser

Day 39 of the Lockdown There were five of us at the meeting – seven if you count the children: my daughter, aged 4, and my son, 2 – but I’d made them a den in the playroom and set them up with a movie so they’d be out of the way of what neededContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: Leaving my Abuser”

Why don’t we have breakup rituals?

As a species, human beings depend upon rituals to make sense of the world. Back in the early days, it was sacrifices and rain dances, circumcisions and group chanting. More recently, it was debutant balls and wearing long trousers, bar mitzvahs and confirmation ceremonies. Today, it’s weddings and funerals, birthdays and Christmas, eggs at Easter,Continue reading “Why don’t we have breakup rituals?”

The ‘Caring’ Profession?

I’ve been trying to see a doctor for 13 months. During that time, I’ve lost my marriage, my children, my home and my health. My hair fell out in clumps; my body is covered in boils; and I’m traumatised by the ten years of abuse I suffered. Worse: I was retraumatised every time I hadContinue reading “The ‘Caring’ Profession?”

Going Back to Your Abuser

Abusers don’t change. They might appear to; they might promise to; they might even give you guarantees. But they’re only showing you what you want to see. I said in The Narcissist’s Call that I understand why people go back to their abusers. They sing a siren’s song, luring you onto the rocks. They’re anContinue reading “Going Back to Your Abuser”

The Narcissist’s Call

‘Do you still love me?’ ‘Do you miss me?’ ‘I just wanted to check on how you’re doing?’ ‘Did you have a good day today?’ ‘Did you remember it’s our wedding anniversary?’ I know why abuse survivors go back to their abusers. It isn’t weakness or stupidity. It’s because you live inside a cage, desperateContinue reading “The Narcissist’s Call”

Deciding to Leave an Abusive Relationship

Your abuser controls your perceptions of the world for so long, erodes your sense of self to such a degree, that you’re not sure of anything. I kept asking myself if I was making it up; if I was causing it; if what I thought was happening was really happening. At what point does awkwardContinue reading “Deciding to Leave an Abusive Relationship”