Saying “no” to an abuser, part 1

Saying “no” to an abuser is always a red flag to a bull. It takes guts to say it, knowing that this simple word will result in an explosion, at a time to be determined by another. But saying it is something we must do if we don’t want others continually damaging us. “No” mightContinue reading “Saying “no” to an abuser, part 1″

Co-parenting with an abuser

Co-parenting with an abuser isn’t co-parenting: it’s a war. Abusers – sociopaths, narcissists, borderlines – can’t relate to other people, can’t feel empathy, and have no restraints on how they treat others. Lacking meaningful, reciprocal, loving relationships, their lives are reduced to one thing: winning. For them to win, somebody has to lose. Unfortunately, thatContinue reading “Co-parenting with an abuser”

Abuse 101: using children as weapons

I said “no” to my ex the other day. She sent me a string of nasty texts, but couldn’t hurt me directly. So instead, she took it out on my children. Abusers use any means at their disposal to control, coerce, belittle, humiliate, degrade and damage you. They know that your children present a weakContinue reading “Abuse 101: using children as weapons”

Come home, daddy

What can I say? When my children ask me to come home, what can I say? ‘I’m sorry, kids, but your mum abused me to the point I had to be removed for my own welfare to a place of safety. If I go back, I would end up dead. She would make sure ofContinue reading “Come home, daddy”

A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Black Hole

Why won’t anyone help me? Day 41 of the Lockdown The evening that my wife stormed out to her mother’s with a suitcase of children’s clothes – the day I realised they had smuggled my children out from under my very nose – I went for a walk for my hour’s permitted exercise. I bumpedContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Black Hole”

A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Day I Lost my Children

Our support worker reiterated to Children’s Services that my wife wasn’t capable of looking after the children on her own due to multiple acts of negligence and abuse. I spoke to the social worker Sandi on the phone and told her all of my wife’s history – leaving the children unattended in the bathtub, sendingContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: The Day I Lost my Children”

A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: A Glimpse Behind the Mask

I’d like to say that telling others you’re being abused, and somehow finding the strength to leave, is the end of the fight. I’d like to say that the moment you stand up and declare you’re not going to be a victim anymore, things get easier. But this isn’t a fairy tale. If I thoughtContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: A Glimpse Behind the Mask”

A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: Leaving my Abuser

Day 39 of the Lockdown There were five of us at the meeting – seven if you count the children: my daughter, aged 4, and my son, 2 – but I’d made them a den in the playroom and set them up with a movie so they’d be out of the way of what neededContinue reading “A Male Survivor of Domestic Abuse: Leaving my Abuser”

Why don’t we have breakup rituals?

As a species, human beings depend upon rituals to make sense of the world. Back in the early days, it was sacrifices and rain dances, circumcisions and group chanting. More recently, it was debutant balls and wearing long trousers, bar mitzvahs and confirmation ceremonies. Today, it’s weddings and funerals, birthdays and Christmas, eggs at Easter,Continue reading “Why don’t we have breakup rituals?”

The ‘Caring’ Profession?

I’ve been trying to see a doctor for 13 months. During that time, I’ve lost my marriage, my children, my home and my health. My hair fell out in clumps; my body is covered in boils; and I’m traumatised by the ten years of abuse I suffered. Worse: I was retraumatised every time I hadContinue reading “The ‘Caring’ Profession?”